letter #3

"if not this, something better"

it’d be sadder if it wasn’t so comically ironic. I was in New York to shoot a podcast episode with one of my favorite comedians in the world, Phoebe Robinson. I took a dorky, unflattering photo in the elevator because I wanted to remember how happy I was in that moment.

in that same elevator, I left a few hours later with tears rolling down my face and just feeling like the world’s absolute biggest loser. actually no, the second biggest loser, because I’m not even cool enough to be the biggest loser. this had nothing to do with Phoebe btw; she’s wonderful and I don’t do clickbait.

the face of someone who thought she was going to have a great day LMAO

after I filmed my episode with Phoebe and right before I filmed my episode with Matthew Broussard, I got a phone call. I won’t say from who or exactly what it’s about— because that’s not how I do business and they don’t deserve the clout— but let’s say a working relationship abruptly ended. it was mutual, but the way the other person spoke to me on the other end of the phone truly shocked me. they talked to me like I was yesterday’s trash; removed, cold, harsh, a little angry? and for what? nothing “happened” and I was always taught over and over when I worked in a client-facing environment that you want to leave things as amicable as possible.

you never know who you’ll encounter down the line and it’s best not to have negative unfinished business. we literally learned that shit from Casper.

needless to say, it totally threw me off my game. and I had Matthew Broussard, one of my favorite comedians with a billion impressive credits who had agreed to do my podcast, coming in approximately 12 minutes. how the fuck was I going to be funny and look like I was having a good time? for the hundredth time that week, I found myself asking WHY THE FUCK DO I DO THIS AGAIN??? why on earth would I have picked a profession that requires me to constantly be on camera? why did I choose it over my perfectly great consulting job that had stability and a 401(k) and HEALTH INSURANCE? especially since every time I log onto the internet, I am accused of actually being a secret paid Republican operative??

just smiling through the literal tears :)

thankfully, Matthew is genuinely one of the kindest guys I’ve met in comedy. he’s also on my show at the DC Improv next month! I told him what happened so that he would understand if I looked like I was on the brink of tears the entire episode. he was so understanding, offered helpful advice, and told me to just keep going. Phoebe told me the same thing after we wrapped filming, as we talked about the constant uphill climb it is to build a podcast and make something at all in this industry.

“they wouldn’t say that if you sucked,” I told myself. so why did it still feel like I sucked?

oh just my actual hero

I had already made plans to go to my friend Eliza Orlins’ place after I wrapped filming. I was tempted to cancel, because that’s what I always do when I’m mentally struggling; I retreat. despite it never being helpful or good for me, I do my best to disappear. the unread texts, messages, and emails pile up. the calendar invites go unanswered. the happy hours and events and birthday parties go unattended. all in favor of caring about work and only work. and then the weight of all of those things contribute to the overwhelm until I feel completely paralyzed.

….until I finally tap into a bit of mental energy or feel a little better, get through as much of the unanswered stuff as I can, until I’m burnt out again. it’s a looping cycle that I feel like I’ve been trapped in for months, and if I’m being honest, for a year now.

something told me that the company of a friend was exactly what I needed, so I made the walk over to Eliza’s despite wanting to head back to my hotel room and feel sorry for myself. I wandered into a bodega near her place to order a sandwich. while I was waiting for my order, I let out a loud, shaky exhale that I wasn’t even consciously aware I needed to let out. the guy at the counter looked at me and gave me a kind, understanding nod. as if to say, “I hear you, me too.” it was graciously human.

finally made it to Eliza’s, unwrapped my sandwich. it was covered in mayo (which I did not ask for). FUCKING HELL. but then I remembered the nod. “I’ll just wipe it off,” I said. a losing strategy when it comes to mayo, as fellow mayo haters will understand, but the interaction with him was worth it.

I filled Eliza in on my phone call that day. she listened intently, as she always does, and then she said something that has been cycling in my head for the last month.

“it’s this or something better”

I asked her what she meant by that. she explained that it’s a mantra she repeats to herself often. when something doesn’t work out as expected, or comes to an end, whatever the situation is. it doesn’t mean that one opportunity or relationship failed, it means there’s another on the way—and that it’s better.

I got to see Eliza’s book wall in person!

I have always had a strong sense of self and optimism; at the same time, I feel like my mind now less frequently thinks about the best thing that could happen. that positivity and “delusional” outlook (as others have always called it) was the spark inside of me that I always managed to keep alive, and I feel like it went out.

and to an extent, I understand why. I went from having a very stable career and path in life to having one that feels like a rickety ass bridge with the nails popping off as you walk across—and I really don’t care for heights.

there’s no certainty whatsoever in terms of income and work. the things I hate giving a shit about (views/downloads/followers/listeners) unfortunately do matter, and it feels so superficial and self-obsessed. I pour so much time and energy and money into my podcast and career with zero clue if it’ll actually pay off, if people will even watch it, if anything I do even matters. and then I think of how damn small those problems are in relation to others’, and then honestly feel worse for feeling so thrown off. that uncertainty, paired with the constant rumination and “what ifs” from my OCD, has dimmed my favorite parts of myself.

I want them back.

when I reflected on the phone call, I realized a hard truth that I had been avoiding confronting. it’s not the relationship ending that was really upsetting me. it was that it SHOULD have ended months earlier, and I was too chickenshit to do it. and if I dug even deeper, the root of my fear to end that relationship was that I didn’t believe anything better existed.

because that’s how the scarcity mindset starts to creep in. doubt and uncertainty begins to rust over the shiny parts. until it oxidizes or whatever rust does. it gets worse.

but that mindset is a lie, and I know it’s a lie. I started repeatedly telling myself every day since, “if not this, something better.” I’m also trying to ask myself “what’s the BEST thing that could happen?” because if my OCD is going to make me constantly ruminate about shit, can I just channel it to be as delusional as possible? OCDmaxxing, I guess. jesus christ.

I’ve spent the last few days crying a lot (if I’m being honest) and taking a long, honest look at what it will look like to be a happier and healthier me. and i’ve come to a few conclusions that are very much a work in progress.

a happier, healthier me looks like building back strong relationships with people who matter most to me. I haven’t been showing up in my life as the kind of daughter, sister, aunt, friend, partner that I want to be. that changes now. it means putting the phone down (or picking it up, whichever applies) and being more present.

it also looks like having more of a routine, which I hate. I’m super averse to the idea of routines for some reason. I’m worried it’ll make me boring. but with so many things uncertain in my life, especially when I’m on the road, I think it will help. I’ll be on the road 15 days in April (for now—wouldn’t be surprised if it ends up being more), so I’m trying to build habits now to create some sense of stability no matter where I go. I’ve been in bed by 11pm EVERY NIGHT this week! someone clap!

finally, it looks like showing up online in a different way. I’m still figuring out what that looks like for me. maybe it’s more writing and fewer videos. maybe it’s making a longform series on Youtube where I can be more intentional and open. maybe it’s hiring someone to manage more of the podcast socials, despite the financial uncertainty, since I still do all of that myself and it makes it impossible to take a break.

so that’s what I’m working through right now, and I’m so grateful to have you to work through it with me. if you have any tips whatsoever on building a meaningful routine, especially if you travel a lot, I’m all ears.

and if you’re facing uncertainty or failure and wondering what the fuck all of this is for and if it’s even worth it, I hope you ask yourself what’s the best thing that can happen. and if it’s not this, remember it’s something better.

love, Suzanne